Everything that has been going on...

I know that I have been a slacker. So here is an update on the situation I call my life.

First: On May 31, 2008 at 1:16 pm, my husband and daughter were involved in a car accident involving roll-over. Yep, you read that right, the van rolled. They were hit on the driver's side by a 15 year old that only had a permit and no adult in the car and she apparently wasn't wearing her seatbelt, either. It took her mother's insurance an entire week to get me a rental vehicle. We got the check for the balance of the value of the van, hand delivered to us and we signed off on the paperwork. Well, yesterday, I got the bill for the car note. As of the 17th of June, the van still hasn't been paid off. We have already gone out and bought another van, and can't afford to make TWO car payments next month!!! Needless to say, I will be making some calls today regarding that. The first will be to CPS, who has the loan. After I call them to get clarification, I will be calling the insurance adjuster. And he better have the right answers to my questions. I also need to get my prescription sunglasses repaired or replaced, as they were damaged in the wreck. I am also going to ask about replacement for items lost or damaged in the wreck.

Second: My kids were really really really sick. Joey started with a fever, but developed an ear infection and sinus infection. Ariane had a strained back from the wreck and then caught Joey's virus. She subsequently developed a UTI from dehydration. So I have been busy on that front. Both kids are now feeling much better.

Third: My poor husband has not been handling stress very well lately. He seems on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And for those of you that know my husband, you know that he pretty much keeps it together ALL the time.

I am pretty much worried about everything that is going on. I just want to go back in time and not let Joe and Ari go out that morning, and then I would not be in the position I am currently in.

So that is what's going on, well the abbreviated version anyway...

Through.

I am through with my sister and her drama. I am done being her lackey and run to person when she needs help or just wants someone to do it for her. I am finished letting her walk all over me.

Let me explain before you go all family on me...

Last summer, when she was going through a rough time with DSS about my PARENT'S house not being clean and whatnot, I called and got a friend to come over there and we helped her clean the house. I know we weren't the only ones to help, but still, I took the time out to help them get to a place where it was manageable. Then I was watching her son and all the "payment" (if you could even call it that) that I wanted was for her to come over for ONE HOUR a week and help me get my house straight. I NEVER got that "payment".

Let's flash forward...

I was going through a hard time with the management company at MY house a couple of months ago and asked her to come over and HELP me...her excuse was that she needed to wash towels.

I was flabbergasted, to say the least. All I wanted was a few hours on ONE day and she needed to wash towels...

I guess you can all see where I stand on that, can't you.

Now let's get to this week...

She wanted me to babysit for her and I gave her my EXTREMELY generous terms and she agreed to them. The terms were $10 per day while her son is in school. $15 per day during the summer and if I was taking the kids somewhere that I had to pay to get in, she would have to pay for her son. I called my father today and he informed me that another friend was picking up her son today. Okay, no problem. I called this friend only to be bitched at that my sister can't afford $10 per day. Well guess what, neither can I. I can't afford to go pick him up everyday because gas prices are so high! I called my mom to find out what was going on and she told me that she was going to babysit him. I don't know what she thinks she can do, but more power to her. I am through.

If you can't afford $10 per day to pay for a babysitter for your son, then you have no business having your daddy buy you a $14,000.00 car that has payment over $300 per month!!!!!

You should have insisted on a less expensive car!!!

I am through! Do NOT call me when mom can't handle YOUR son!!! Put him in daycare and see what happens!!!!

Falling apart inside...

I know that this will sound selfish and self-serving, but it needs to get out so I don't explode.

My husband and I had a serious fight today. I'm not talking your run of the mill fight here. He has informed me that people from both of our families has asked him why he stays with me. He won't tell me who, but I do have a good idea, at least on my side. On his, I am clueless...

So I put it out there...What is wrong with me? Am I such a bad wife? Am I a bad mother? What did I do to him that is so wrong that other people have told him to lose me?

For the answers, I must delve deep into my subconscious and I am not liking what I see. Yes, I am a terrible wife. I never learned how to be one, because I never wanted to be someone's wife. Yes, I am a terrible mother. I didn't have much of a role model either, so I guess I will have to try harder.

As for the answers to the other posted questions...I have no idea. I know that I suffer from many disorders and maybe I should try to get more help than I currently utilize, but I can't do it alone and I can't seem to get anyone to understand that. I have no idea what I have done to my husband for others to tell him that I need to go. I try, but again, it takes two...you all know the saying.

My house is a disaster and yes, I need to clean it, but why should I bother, when all I get is snide remarks and ignorant comments? I feel that maybe the "others" are right and I don't belong in this relationship...maybe my husband should divorce me. But I don't think that would solve any of our problems.

I try to arrange "dates" for us and all I get is flack. Marriage is work. It's the hardest work there is, next to rearing children. All I know, is that I never was cut out for hard work. So maybe, I should just quit while I'm ahead...Lord knows I don't want to, but maybe it will save some heartache down the road if we just go on with our lives without each other. Oh, I know that we will still have to see each other and have communication, because of the kids, but why make our kids suffer if we're not happy?

he wants us to be a family, but you can't be a family if you can't be friends.

The passing of a decent man.

My grandfather, Riley Holifield, Sr., passed early this morning from complications of cancer. He was a good, decent man. I know that until recently I was a disappointment to him. He wouldn't come right out and tell me, though. He was proud when I made the decision to go back to school. He will be greatly missed.

I love you, Papa!

Jen